Even though this may not seem to be a post that you would usually find on my blog, I feel the need to write this down.
It’s all about happiness. It’s about that one little feeling that can make us conquer the world.
Also, I would love to say that I’m a bookaholic. Recently, I’ve just got a late birthday present that had (among a lovely bouqet of flowers and a lovely cake, thank you http://instagram.com/cartidulciurisiflori !) this lovely book, it’s called “Bonjour, happiness!” by Jamie Cat Callan. I would strongly recommend this book to all of those who think happiness is something you get from people, but also to those who aren’t in a bright stage of their life, or simply those who would like to understand that happiness comes from all the simple things around as.
First of all, I just want to make clear that I’m sick at the moment. Even though in the morning I felt perfect, now, late at night, I’m feeling miserable. People that know me are familiar with the fact that I tend to get sick quite easily. This is why, all my life, even without knowing, I was always looking for someone to take care of me, because, honestly, I can’t. And this is why I started to develop a need for having people around me all the time.
Unfortunately, this is why, I started to think that my happiness is based on the people around me. Ever since I was little I was always in the center of attention, I was the little princess that always had to get what she wanted in order to be happy. I was always surrounded by people and I was almost never by myself.
I grew up and I realised that in order to be happy I need people around me. I always thought that being by yourself is a sign of loneliness. Which is not, it’s completely okay to enjoy being by yourself, I simply can’t. And because of this I started to see my happiness as people. And this honestly made me a horrible person. I became needy, I always wanted them for myself because I was not only insecure, but also unhappy. I never wanted to deal with the fact that my own source of happiness can be someone else’s source of happiness. So I became possessive. And it wasn’t in the good adorable lovely way. No, it was horrible.
I was insecure. I never thought that someone would agree to put this much effort into being my source of happiness. I got to the point where I thought that my friends having other friends was a betrayal.
In other words my happiness became my girlfriends, my boyfriend and my family. And this wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for me, for them, for all those beautiful things around me.
I can’t say that I’ve changed. Not completely. I still see other people as my very own happiness. But right now, I don’t see them as my only source of joy. I’ve discovered some of my passions, I found out that eating alone in a restaurant isn’t that bad, I realised that going to an event all myself won’t be that awkward. I learned a lot. And I learned it the hard way. And damn, wasn’t it hard… People let me down. My own happiness simply bailed on me. I found myself alone in a huge unknown city. And that changed it all.
I’m not saying that I don’t have moments when I start crying because I’m feeling lonely, but I also learned that it’s okay to cry.
The only thing that I still didn’t learn is that happiness doesn’t have to come from people. Sadly, I’m still selfish, I’m still overly possessive even though that’s not really what I want. I simply want to be happy, and, unfortunately for me, people still are a huge deal of my happiness.
But I’m working on that. I want to replace people and the feeling they bring me with things, moments, passion, simplicity… life.
I simply want, each day, for 10 days (because that’s the number of days I need to take meds haha), to find something that makes me happy, and it’s not a human being. I owe this to me.
For all my sources of happiness that chose to leave, I’m sorry, I may need you back.